"Lady of the Circus"

Grace in small things part 37

1. an evening of complete slothiness
2. watching hours of tv saved up on the DVR
3. eating food that is terrible for me
4. snuggling on the sofa with the pug
5. enjoying saying the made-up word slothiness. Sloth-i-ness. Slothiness!

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

not in stock

Allow me to preface this by saying that I have personally had a variation of this conversation with this customer at least a half dozen times in as many months... there are three other people at my soul-sucking cube job who are in the same position at me, so we can assume that they have dealt with him as well...

Me: That item is non-stocked, Sir, so I will need you to send your P.O. in by fax.

Jerk-face: No.

Me: Sir, I cannot order the material in without a written purchase order, unfortunately.

Jerk-face: I can order all this other goddamn material, but YOU won't take my order for this sheet without it in writing... does that make any sense to you?

Me: I can only accept verbal orders for stocked items.
Jerk-face: Bullshit.
Me:Unfortunately we have to adhere to that policy because of other companies who have ordered material in, special order, and then refuse it when we bring it in, or deny ordering it, and we are unable to re-coup the cost, as we do not have written proof that the order was placed by them

Jerk-face: Even when the fuckin' company has been ordering from you for years? It's bullshit!

Me: Believe it or not, it is a continuous problem for us.

Jerk-face: I don't believe a damn thing you say

Me: silence...

Jerk-face: Fine. I'll fax it in.

Me: Have a good day Sir.

And then Jerk-face hangs up... and I sigh... and try to ignore the urge to strangle someone with the phone cord...

Grace in Small Things: Part 36

1. receiving a request for a custom order on my Etsy store
2. picking the first ripe zucchini from my garden
3. counting down to my vacation away from the dreaded cube job - 10 days to go!
4. lemony yellow paint
5. soft-serve ice cream (the kind where the vanilla and chocolate are swirled together... so good!)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

it is, after all, in you to give...

Can I donate blood, now that I am on these drugs? I should look into that... I have been itching to donate... for that feeling that I've done something really good for someone else I will never meet. Plus I feel a little obligated... when I was twelve I had my tonsils out... during the procedure I hemorrhaged pretty badly, and lost a lot of blood. I needed a transfusion. If someone else, who I've never met, hadn't donated blood... who knows?

For all I know, my blood might never be used... it might expire before it's needed, and get flushed away... medical waste. Or it might save a life. Several lives. I like to think that it is used... that it is really needed... that someone out there is now walking around because my blood is flowing through their veins.

It's a kind of high, the feeling of possibly changing a life... doing something really good, but thankless... does feeling good about it, and doing it for that feeling turn a selfless act into something selfish? Something sinister?

I am too cynical. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting joy from this... should I?

Or maybe it's that I am just a little off... after all, how many people think it's fun that they have possibly had a part of them touch someone else's heart... literally.

*insert rimshot here*

I enjoy growing things

There is something very pleasurable about growing things. I like getting my hands dirty. I like the smell that tomato plants leave on my hands. I like knowing exactly what has gone into the food that I will eat, and that it grew because of my hard work.

I especially like it when I discover that one of the little bunches of green is finally growing something that actually resembles food... that's when it really pays off.

Behold! Broccoli:


Okay... so it's tiny, little, itty-bitty-baby broccoli... but it still feels good. Bet you've never seen such adorable broccoli before!

:)

"His Tiny Hand"

She said comeover, comeover...

Tonight my only goal was getting out of my own head... so I put "Born Slippy" by Underworld on repeat, turned it way up, and I danced.

I spun in circles, and waved my arms around, and swung my hair from side to side... I laughed at how silly I must have looked, and I let go of everything.

I danced until I was exhausted and my lungs wanted to burst out of my chest... and then I collapsed onto my office chair and felt the blood rushing through my body as I caught my breath... I listened to my heartbeat pounding in my ears... and it was strong... it was good.

Grace in Small Things

I've been quite diligent about my participation in the Grace in Small Things challenge so far... but I don't think I can keep up this pace... posting every day is a struggle for me.

I am going to scale it back to less than every day, but as often as I can, and see how that works out... no stringent schedule, but instead a more organic flow of graciousness for the little things.

Why does using the word "organic" in a sentence like that make me feel like a yuppie?


I am participating in Grace in Small Things

still

I want to be still. I want to be gentle, and quiet, and soft. I want to sit, alone, and empty of worries, and without a "to do", and be okay with that.

I want to be calm, and peaceful, and serene.

I want to be untroubled without being lifeless, close-mouthed but not silenced. I want to be motionless without being stagnant. Restful. Stable.

I want to be still.

Grace in Small Things: Part 35 of 365

1. the smell of garlic cooking
2. the cool breeze pouring in my open windows
3. the sound of Molly, one of my cats, snoozing: half purr, half snore, with a few intermittent squeaks
4. snapping photos of sleeping cats
5. painting an ice cream sundae, for no reason

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

anxiety

Last week I began taking serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor drugs for depression and anxiety disorder. That's an awfully long-winded way of saying that I am on antidepressants... mood-stabilizers... crazy pills.

I haven't told anyone, and I made my husband promise not to tell a soul (so, naturally, I am blabbing about it on the internet...makes perfect sense!)... I have this self-imposed shame and stigma attached to taking medication for my anxiety issues... even referring to it as "my anxiety issues" feels foreign... like something I would not say... should not say.

Part of my brain (the calm, rational part) knows that this should not be a big deal... I tell myself that I'm an asshole for feeling like some sort of freak for needing medication to deal with my "issues"... as this means that I somehow think that other people who need simillar drugs for their own treatment must be freaks, by extension of this line of thinking... and I definately do not think that... Rationally speaking, I know that anxiety and depression are fairly common... pretty normal... and that people should do what they need to do to feel better and be able to function like they need to...

But part of my brain feels like this somehow makes me a "crazy person"... damaged... weak.

I should be stronger than this... I should be able to handle things... I've always been able to handle everything that life threw at me... I roll with the punches... I take care of business... I don't break down... and I certainly do not have anxiety attacks.

Afterall, what have I got to be stressed about? I have a wonderful husband... I have a job... I have a house... pets... friends... love... food in the fridge... fresh air... clean water to drink... I am happy.

I feel like I should not have anything to complain about... that so many people are far worse off than I am... afterall, most of my issues are "first world problems", and I should be thankful for what I have... right?

I have this internal dialogue that runs through my head when I start to feel sorry for myself... it goes something like this:

Crappy, dead-end job... pffft! that's nothing... evil co-worker... let it roll off your back... starting my own business as an escape plan from crappy job... I should be so lucky to have that opportunity... haven't had an actual vacation ever... neither have most working-class people, right? fertility issues? at least I have other options left to explore... issues from a very, um, complicated childhood... not a problem! It's in the past!

And on and on it goes... complaining makes me feel like a whiner... ungrateful.

I have always had that "keep calm and carry on" mentality... and that's my problem. Things don't bother me... I don't get "stressed out".

When the anxiety attacks started, I was convinced it was an asthma attack. The boy ran downstairs to get my ventalin, and I took two puffs... two more... but I couldn't breathe... and the steroids just made my heart race harder... my head was swimming... I was convinced that I was going to die.

I tried to convince the doctors that if it wasn't my lungs, that it must be my heart... I was sent for tests... and an EKG... the doctor tried to teach me some breathing techniques for quieting a panic attack... I was sure it had to be physical... It couldn't be mental... not me... I don't feel "crazy".

...

So here I am, a week into my new treatment... and I'm feeling a little better... a little calmer. I am supposed to start seeing a counsellor later this month, and aside from the waves of nausea as I get used to the medications, I think I'm feeling pretty good...

I am being forced to do some hard self-examination... exercise some demons... adjust my priorities.

This is a good thing.

Grace in Small Things: Part 34 of 365

1. receiving a lovely wedding invitation in the mail
   
2. flipping through our wedding photos and remembering the fun we had that day
3. a ripe pear
4. adding pages of lovely finds to my favourites list on Etsy
5. spiral paper-clips
   

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Meet "Carmen"

Grace in Small Things: Part 33 of 365

1. a fun dinner with fabulous friends
   
2. good conversation over wine and beers
3. sitting on the fabulous friends' backyard patio until sunset
4. board games - such simple fun, but sometimes just right!
5. long weekends

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 32 of 365

1. a perfectly brewed cup of earl grey

2. brightly coloured post-it notes in lime green and hot pink

3. a good hair day

4. green tea & mint invigorating foot spray

5. a new pen

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 31 of 365

1. having completed an entire month of taking notice of the little positive things in my daily life
2. having a month's worth of lists to look back on when I need a little reminder of all the beautiful things in my life
3. sleeping in... waaaaay in
4. three shiny new books that the boy brought home for me as a surprise gift
5. the smell of campfire
   
   (seems like someone in my neighbourhood is having a fire in their yard... or I suppose it might be indoors, in a fireplace as well... in any case, it smells lovely, and is making me want to roast marshmallows, and sit with my loved ones in a circle telling stories)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

On working for myself...

"It's a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." - W. Somerset Maugham

I am very fond of the quote above... I plan to make it my reality. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

There are a few obstacles that I need to over come first, the least of all being our financial situation, and being able to secure some sort of a start up loan or coming up with another plan to get my initial working capital.

The biggest obstacle, of course, is my own fear. Hate it though I do, my little cubicle is a pretty safe place to be. The company might be affected by the recession, but I am really good at my job, and have confidence that my job is secure. I don't make a great deal of money, but it is consistent, and I have a great health plan, and RRSP's, and paid vacation, and all those lovely things that come from gainful employment.

The only problem is that when I get up in the morning, I instantly have this dreadful feeling in my stomach. If I think about the day ahead of me, of the conflicts I'm going to have to deal with, the certain individual who has taken it upon herself to make my day as difficult as possible, and the monotony of my daily tasks as a dutiful worker bee, the pressure in my chest grows and grows... sometimes I feel like I might be crushed under the weight of the anxiety I feel when I think about my job, and the dead-end road that I am currently on.

I am in a constant state of conflict with myself, because although I am so unhappy, I know that I should be thankful to even have a job at all. I get a paycheque every other week, and for that I am so grateful... the problem is that I don't get much else... at least not anything else positive.

When I think about working for myself, I get excited. I feel hopeful and energized. I feel as though I can accomplish anything. I know... I sound like an after school special on believing in yourself... you can do it champ! *wink*

I feel bad complaining about my situation at work, because it's not *that* bad, and I feel like I should just suck it up and be grateful for what I've got... but I want something more.

Do I have it in me to take that leap?

Grace in Small Things: Part 30 of 365

1. a very ticklish baby neice
2. baby belly laughs
3. her tiny fingers grabbing my nose, or mouth, or cheek
4. sunshine after a few days of dreary, rainy weather
5. knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow... yay for long weekends!
   (my company decided to have us work yesterday, on Canada day, and instead moved the holiday day off to Friday)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

yowch!

Apparently, walking across a sidewalk and onto a lawn is too complicated for me.

Grace in Small Things: Part 29 of 365

1. rub-on maple leaf tattoos
   
2. barbecued food as a proclamation of patriotism
3. the look on a child's face when playing with a sparkler
   
4. managing not to seriously injure myself, despite accidentally stepping in a hole and falling on my face... on the sidewalk... in front of an intersection full on onlookers
5. being able to laugh at myself
   

I am participating in Grace in Small Things