shine

This is the post where we cross over into too much information land... way, way TMI... A Public Service Announcement

I am sharing this as a note of warning to the ladies out there, so that they may learn from my daft mistake.

Always, and I mean ALWAYS... no matter what... even if you think your hands are clean...please, for the love of everything... make sure that you wash your hands thoroughly and completely before attempting to remove a Diva Cup...

Especially if you have very recently been rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub onto the chest of your ill husband.

*shudder*

Camphor and eucalyptus + sensitive lady bits = OW OW OW OW OMIGAWD OW!!!!!


That is all.

Grace in small things part 43

1. enjoying the fall harvest of my vegetable garden
   
2. cooking with the last zucchini from my garden, as well as freshly picked tomatoes, peppers and herbs - that it was the last zucchini might just be the best part...
   
3. the way my house smells from the herbs and chicken - yum!
   
4. the fizziness of grapefruit soda, and how it tickles the roof of my mouth
   
5. a pretty pink scarf with black polka-dots on it
   

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

wind and rain and thunder and lightning

The sounds outside my office window are ferocious. I swear I can feel the house tremble from the thunder, and it's as if the whole structure is swaying, just slightly, from the force of the wind gusts. The rain sounds almost solid, beating against the glass. I've always loved a good thunderstorm. Ordinarily there is something about them that makes me feel peaceful... like drinking tea, curled up on the couch with a blanket. Tonight, or this morning rather, this particular storm sounds ominous and a little to close over the house... and the racket of it is doing nothing to improve my foul mood.

Maybe it's the quiet of this time in the morning that is amplifying the sounds and making them seem more powerful than they really are. Everyone else is in the deepest stages of sleep, and the house has settled...it's too early for people to be up and driving towards their day shifts, so the roads are free of traffic and the sidewalks are clear. The only sounds are the crashes from the sky and the howling wind. It's startling. It's haunting.

I keep toying with the idea of going outside and standing in the storm... face up to the sky... letting the rain and the wind whip my skin... allowing the cold to numb my body. I feel like maybe if I stand there long enough, and soak in enough of it, the numbness will reach my mind... and then I will have some rest tonight.

Typing that sentence feels melodramatic, and pitiful, and tired. It feels like I'm going on about nothing... like I have a woe-is-me attitude that would make you roll your eyes and think that I should just get over myself. You might think that I should just walk it off... suck it up... get on with it... I feel like I should be able to brush this aside... get over these feelings... but I can't... at least not tonight.

Tonight I am in a dark place. It's as if there is an invisible blanket wrapped around me... wrapping tighter and tighter... the pressure on my chest, and my temples, and my neck... my shoulders are tense and my legs are restless... I try to shake them out... shake it off... but the pressure keeps building... I feel as if I am burdened down with some great weight that I can't slide out from under. There is a buzzing in my ears... behind my eyes... a persistent hum that forces me to focus on little else but the pressure, and the tightness, and the humming, and this feeling like I need to run away somewhere and hide... somewhere that I can be still, and calm, and quiet.

And then there's a crash of thunder and I almost jump out of my skin. I'm nauseous and flighty and lethargic all at once. I'm a snivelling contradiction.

I focus on my breathing. Inhale deeply.... count to five.... hold it for five... exhale slowly... counting to five... hold it for five... inhale deeply... "Picture a plateau" the doctor has said... coping exercises... "Visualize yourself relaxing".... count to five... hold it for five...

The wind howls and breaks my focus... I want to cry... I want to cry out... I want to be okay.

I want to be better.

Grace in small things part 42

1. having a three hour and fifty-four minute long telephone conversation with my sister
2. being able to open up to my sister in ways that I haven't allowed myself in the past
3. being able to listen to her, and be there for her as well
4. remembering that we've gone through the same/similar crap, and that we're both just as damaged from it all
5. feeling a little less alone in the world

I am participating in Grace in Small Thing

executive in charge of seat warming

Our pug, Trevor Beans Tiberious Meliton Esquire, has decided that he is on the company payroll. Yup, again with the ridiculous name on a pet. You can call him Trevor, or T-Dawg. He responds to both.

When I sleep in, and the boy is working in the office, Trevor likes to occupy my seat... he's our office assistant/executive in charge of seat warming.

(That wall of paper taped together on the left side, on the end of my desk is to keep evil cats from jumping up onto paintings that may be still wet and on the desktop)

hummingbird in flight 1

my new space

Friday was my last day at the soul-sucking cube job. My last day of staring at that computer monitor and those beige walls and that evil old crone with the awful bleached hairdo.

I'm going to miss some things about my cube job, of course. I made friends in the three years I was there... it's hard to spend nine hours a day, five days a week with a group of people, and not get close to at least some of them. I will miss those people, and I will miss our daily conversations. I will miss that place for the social interaction, and of course the consistent paycheque... but I am happy to be out of that cube... out of that space, and into my home office full-time.

This is what I will be staring at for hours on end now instead. I have done my best to create a functional, comfortable space where I can be creative and productive. It is well ordered, and tidy.


Now if only I could get the space inside my head in as good a shape, I would be set.

It's funny how the giant leaps have been the easiest things this past year... surprisingly... but the baby steps, the slow and steady pace of treating my issues and managing my anxiety and depression, that's what's really kicking my ass...

I'm afraid that if I can't get out of my head and get on with things... if I can't figure out these baby steps, and get one foot in front of the other when it comes to my thoughts and emotions... then there is no way I can be successful with my big plans. I don't know how to focus on the big picture and getting down to the business of my new business, when I'm smack in the middle of one of what the boy and I refer to as my "sad for no reason" times.

I know what to do, and how to do it, but sometimes it's so hard to keep my mind on my goals when all I want to do is lay down in my room with the curtains closed and a blanket over my head. I'm afraid that I won't be motivated to succeed now that I'm not tied to an office schedule that determined my hours of productivity. I'm afraid of spending too much time inside my head. I'm afraid that the relief I feel from no longer being stressed out about my previous job is nothing in comparison to what I've got ahead of me.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right....

Grace in small things part 41

1. taking the dog for a walk with the boy
   
2. holding hands with the boy while we walk
3. the sweet stickiness of the summer air and the cool breeze that makes it actually feel pleasant
4. eating a bowl of lucky charms at 10:30pm, because I wanted to, and will not feel guilty about it
5. the little coagulated sugary bits that are allegedly marshmallows in lucky charms... so tasty...who knew this crap actually tastes good to people older than seven?

I am participating in Grace in Small Thing

a ferocious beast

This is Professor Dustin Robert Meliton...or Dusty for short.

Yes, I know it's really annoying that he has a ridiculous name like that... and it's not really his name anywhere else but on his vet file... but it's silly... and I like silly... sometimes you have find ways to inject joy into your life, to lift you out of the mundane every day life crap... and I choose to do that by giving my pets preposterous monikers that begin with titles like "Professor" and "The Right Honourable".

I snapped this photo of him mid-yawn when he was perched on the corner of my desk, hovering over me as he likes to do at all times. He's still sporting his lion-cut hairstyle that he gets once a year to give him some relief from the summer heat, as well as give us some relief from his uncontrollable matting.

He looks intimidating, but he's a little love muffin once you get to know him. He is now twelve years old, and has been with us for four and a half years. When we adopted him from the Toronto Humane Society, he was so scrawny and sickly and quite ornery. It's taken him this many years to finally trust us enough that he can now fall asleep on my lap, though he still doesn't jump up on us without coaxing.

He loves to be scratched under the chin, and he's always somewhere nearby, watching and waiting for you to notice him and give him a pet. At night when I'm brushing my teeth, he hops up on the vanity and rubs against my belly and meows until I pet or brush him while I attempt to complete my nightly routine with my free hand. He's sweetie, and he often affectionately head bumps me and the boy, so we know that he's just as fond of us as we are of him.

Grace in small things part 40

1. quitting my job, at last (though not a small thing, it needed to be on the list!)
2. feeling completely anxiety-free since Friday afternoon
3. having a lot of fun working on Halloween themed items for my Etsy store
4. had a very relaxing, and refreshing two-hour nap this afternoon
5. not dreading going back to the office on Monday... for the first time in months!

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

i did it

I handed in my resignation today. I'm going for it... I'm going to be my own boss.

I gave them almost four weeks' notice (should that be possessive? I feel like the word "weeks" should have an apostrophe, but it looks a little awkward. Anyway...) which is a little long for a sales support position, and much more than the obligatory two, but I am the resident trainer, and if I don't stick around long enough to train my replacement, I would feel really shitty about leaving someone else to do it.

So yeah... I'm all courteous and shit.

The boss asked me if there was anything he could say or offer to persuade me reconsider, but I explained my master plan to him, and he gets it... he appreciated my desire to pursue my art, and he might even be commissioning a painting or set of paintings for his soon-to-be-born daughter's nursery. He gave me a hug, and I instantly felt a little guilty about all the horrible things I had felt and said about my work and my work environment. He's a really nice man, and he genuinely wishes me well, and I am happy that he and many of my soon-to-be-former-coworkers are supportive of my business plan.

I'm really happy. And excited. And nervous.

I've got so much to do!

Grace in small things part 39

1. laying in bed, all warm and cozy, listening to the rolling thunder and wind gusts of the summer storm outside
2. fresh cucumbers from my garden
3. feeling more creative and productive than I have in a long time
4. the pretty yard down the street with oodles of hollyhocks in a rainbow of colours
5. my newly charcoal-coloured walls in our basement den

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

"Lovely"

Grace in small things part 38

1. finally getting around to getting the basement painted
   (almost... the baseboards still need to be done, but the bulk of the work is done)
2. sleeping in for nine days in a row... can I get a "Woot Woot!" for vacations?
3. deciding to make our vacation a "stay-cation", and having it be lovely and productive and completely what we needed
   
4. rearranging our office space into a more functional and aesthetically pleasing layout
5. being awakened (woken up? wakened up?I never get this one correct) by the boy rubbing my back and arms, and touching my face... so sweet!
   (and about a million times better than the usual alarm clock in the morning)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

ZUCCHINI!

See those lovely, innocent little yellow blooms? So pretty, right? So fresh, and summery!

Wrong! They are bad, bad flowers. They will bring zucchini... and zucchini has become my nemesis.

My refrigerator is overflowing with giant green phallic shaped vegetables. The refrigerators of my coworkers and family members are being overtaken as well by these evil little beasts. I've contemplated sitting out on my front step and offering them to passers-by, or putting a basket-full at the end of my driveway that says "Zucchini, free to a good home!"

At first I was all "Yum!" and excited that my little garden experiment was proving fruitful. But the zucchini just kept coming... and these are no slender little pretty zucchini that you see at the grocery store... Nay, these are giant, robust zucchini that could inflict blunt force trauma if swung at someone. They pop up so quickly that I am picking some every other day... and they won't stop.

My vegetable garden has gone from this...


To this...


... in what feels like only a few days. And it does not show any signs of slowing down. The zucchini has grown so much more quickly than the other vegetables that the broad leaves create a canopy over some of the other plants, and I'm afraid that they will not be nearly as healthy or fruitful.

There are only so many times we can eat stir fry with zucchini, and grilled slices of zucchini, and steamed zucchini as a side dish, and pasta with zucchini, and zucchini grated into sauces... and zucchini... zucchini...

ZUCCHINI!

Lesson learned I suppose. The tomatoes and the zucchini will be planted on their own, outside the box next year. And I will only be planting one zucchini plant... and maybe I will neglect to water it sometimes... or something like that.

Anyone want some zucchini?

Serious.

on feeling normal

I didn't realize just how anxious I was really feeling, until I felt calm.

I never considered myself to be a stressed out or edgy person... people don't describe me as highly-strung or tightly wound (at least not to my face - ha!)... but I am coming to terms with the fact that I do indeed have anxiety, and the issues that come along with that.

The attacks are one thing... they are a blip... a bump... an event that affects only the time and space it occupies, and not the rest of my life. At least that's what I thought. I never realized how constant and persistent the anxiety was... how ingrained it was in what I had considered to be my usual way of feeling, until it was gone.

So.

So the boy and I were in the car, driving to visit some friends the other weekend, talking about nothing in particular... I mentioned that I was feeling weird...

The Boy: Weird how? Are you Okay? Is it another attack?
Me: No! Please don't worry... I'm fine!
The Boy: Are you sure? How's your breathing?
Me: Not like that... I feel odd... good... but odd... it's like, this... nothingness...
The Boy: Nothingness?
Me: Yeah... I mean, I'm okay... it's just that... I don't know... I don't know how to describe it... I wouldn't say that I'm numb... it's just... I'm not particularly sad, but I'm not especially happy either... I'm... I just am.
The Boy: *laughs at me*
Me: What?
The Boy: So what you're saying is that you're relaxed.
Me: Huh. Yeah. I guess that's it.

And then we laughed... and laughed...

*sigh*

So I'm feeling more normal... and calm... at least most of the time. I'm still working with my doctor to get the right dosage levels and such... and then there's the impending counselling (Dun-dun-duuuhhnn!).

But there are still some days that are pretty rough. There are days when I have to try really hard to listen to that rational part of my brain that tells me that what I am feeling is temporary, and that tomorrow will be better... that I can handle whatever is happening... that I am indeed okay... and all that jazz...

Work in progress, right?

a symphony of snores

There are so many different creatures snoring around me, I'm not sure which one is coming from my husband...

I'm pretty sure the high-pitched, squeeky one is from our squishy-faced persian-ish cat Dusty, who is sleeping in the hallway.... and the one that vaguely sounds like a pigeon cooing is definitely from Molly, our big, chunky ball of fluffy-love kitty #2... but the other two snores are a toss up... one is the boy, and one is the pug...

It's a veritable symphony of snores around me. Joy.

I can't seem to sleep tonight (shocking!)... but at least I've been productive.

I just finished priming all the wood trim and the ugly wood-covered wall in the basement... I also sanded all the plastered spots on the basement walls, listed eleventymillion new things in my Etsy store, sent out annoying spam to my Facebook group members about a new special, watched a bunch of videos on Youtube, and thought about painting my toenails...

Okay... the last two weren't so productive, but it is quite a list for middle of the night on a Wednesday. Thankfully I do not have work tomorrow, as we are currently on holiday... enjoying a "staycation"... so if I do manage to get sleepy enough to actually fall asleep, I can stay in bed as late as I like... even if that means not dragging my butt out of bed until the pm... so there! How do you like that, evil insomnia gremlins!?

*groan*

I think I'm a little high from all the paint fumes.

"Lady of the Circus"

Grace in small things part 37

1. an evening of complete slothiness
2. watching hours of tv saved up on the DVR
3. eating food that is terrible for me
4. snuggling on the sofa with the pug
5. enjoying saying the made-up word slothiness. Sloth-i-ness. Slothiness!

I am participating in Grace in Small Things