Another beautiful photo of a healthy infant, carefully swaddled, sleeping peacefully. Another shot of one of my friends, grinning widely, hands placed on their swollen abdomens just so, accentuating the beauty of their impending motherhood.
I am genuinely, lovingly happy for them. I am so pleased by their wonderful news! And yet...
And yet.
My heart aches with loss and stings from jealousy. I do my best to contain those feelings as I wish them all well, because indeed I do. My grief does not colour my happiness for them, it only serves to remind me of the losses we've had and the experiences that we won't get.
I keep getting to a place where I think I am at peace with our infertility, but there are days when I've just had enough of being happy for others and I need a little time to feel sorry for myself. I need to cry, or write, or paint... whatever it takes to get the pain out of my heart, and out of my mind, and stop it from tearing me down.
I need to refocus. Be productive. Move forward.
I need to beleive that this gets easier with time.
Saturday, 3 March, 2012
Sunday, 11 September, 2011
a decade.
It's been ten years already.
I want to write down my account of that day as it plays over again in my mind. I want to itemize the events. I want to tell you how I was just shy of 18 years old, in the second week of my first year of college. I want to share my feelings and thoughts and all of the realizations I've come to in the years since that day.
But I don't need to do that.
The repercussions of that day are still happening. The world is still broken (most likely more so). What's important is the remembering.
I remember.
I want to write down my account of that day as it plays over again in my mind. I want to itemize the events. I want to tell you how I was just shy of 18 years old, in the second week of my first year of college. I want to share my feelings and thoughts and all of the realizations I've come to in the years since that day.
But I don't need to do that.
The repercussions of that day are still happening. The world is still broken (most likely more so). What's important is the remembering.
I remember.
Friday, 5 August, 2011
Saturday, 30 July, 2011
falling behind on my nerdy pursuits
The goal is to read fifty books in 365 days, and I am woefully behind where I had hoped to be at this point. The year is half over and I'm only on book 23.
1. Beloved - Toni Morrison
2. Funny Boy - Shyam Selvadurai
3. Sundays at Tiffany’s - James Patterson
4. The Inheritance of Loss - Kiran Desai
5. Water For Elephants - Sara Gruen
6. Stand Still Like The Hummingbird - Henry Miller
7. The Art of Happiness - Dalai Lama
8. A Complicated Kindness - Miriam Toews
9. You Suck - Christopher Moore
10. When You Are Engulfed In Flames - David Sedaris
11. Looking for Alaska - John Green
12. Amsterdam - Ian McEwan
13. Her Last Death, a Memoir - Susanna Sonnenberg
14. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
15. American on Purpose - Craig Ferguson
16. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marques
17. The Girls Who Went Away - Ann Fesler
18. You Remind Me of Me - Dan Chaon
19. The End of Faith - Sam Harris
20. Through the Looking Glass - Lewis Carroll
21. Things I Learned About My Dad (In Therapy) - Heather Armstrong
22. Colors Insulting to Nature - Cintra Wilson
Currently working on Of Human Bondage by W Somerset Maugham, and planning to dive into another David Sedaris book next.
Clearly, I need to hike up my glasses and get to it! ;)
1. Beloved - Toni Morrison
2. Funny Boy - Shyam Selvadurai
3. Sundays at Tiffany’s - James Patterson
4. The Inheritance of Loss - Kiran Desai
5. Water For Elephants - Sara Gruen
6. Stand Still Like The Hummingbird - Henry Miller
7. The Art of Happiness - Dalai Lama
8. A Complicated Kindness - Miriam Toews
9. You Suck - Christopher Moore
10. When You Are Engulfed In Flames - David Sedaris
11. Looking for Alaska - John Green
12. Amsterdam - Ian McEwan
13. Her Last Death, a Memoir - Susanna Sonnenberg
14. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
15. American on Purpose - Craig Ferguson
16. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marques
17. The Girls Who Went Away - Ann Fesler
18. You Remind Me of Me - Dan Chaon
19. The End of Faith - Sam Harris
20. Through the Looking Glass - Lewis Carroll
21. Things I Learned About My Dad (In Therapy) - Heather Armstrong
22. Colors Insulting to Nature - Cintra Wilson
Currently working on Of Human Bondage by W Somerset Maugham, and planning to dive into another David Sedaris book next.
Clearly, I need to hike up my glasses and get to it! ;)
Thursday, 28 July, 2011
the next chapter
We have begun the process of (hopefully) becoming adoptive parents, officially, tonight. There is a great deal of paperwork to get through, some alarming and disheartening statistics to wade through, classes to register for, and many conversations to be had with our families.
We've been talking about the option of adoption since shortly after our wedding, almost four years ago, but it actually feels real now.
I'm feeling excited, nervous and hopeful. Mostly hopeful. Hopeful is good.
We've been talking about the option of adoption since shortly after our wedding, almost four years ago, but it actually feels real now.
I'm feeling excited, nervous and hopeful. Mostly hopeful. Hopeful is good.
Sunday, 1 May, 2011
Wednesday, 30 March, 2011
and what a month it has been
The time has come for me to declare defeat... I have officially failed at this blog challenge. At least I did post a bunch of new content for a while, and kept it up for nineteen days... but 19/30 is still a pretty crappy grade.
Wednesday, 23 March, 2011
birthday-shmirthday...
I'm supposed to be writing about my favourite birthday today, but here's the thing... I avoid my birthday, and choose to mostly ignore it. When I was younger, and believed in things like superstition, I used to think that September the 25th was a cursed day in general for me. A myriad of horrible things have happened to me on that day, year after year. I've had nastiness across the spectrum, from a seagull pooping on my French-braided hair at lunch time in high school, to learning the news of my grandfather's terminal cancer.
The last few years haven't been bad at all, consisting mostly of relaxed dinners with The Boy, followed by ice cream cake from DQ. However, I still don't like doing anything very interesting or exciting enough to warrant calling any of my birthdays as my favourite. I enjoy other people's birthdays, love baking cakes, cupcakes, and all manner of special treats for my friends and family on their birthdays, but having a big to-do for myself... meh. Not my thing.
The last few years haven't been bad at all, consisting mostly of relaxed dinners with The Boy, followed by ice cream cake from DQ. However, I still don't like doing anything very interesting or exciting enough to warrant calling any of my birthdays as my favourite. I enjoy other people's birthdays, love baking cakes, cupcakes, and all manner of special treats for my friends and family on their birthdays, but having a big to-do for myself... meh. Not my thing.
Tuesday, 22 March, 2011
Monday, 21 March, 2011
my first kiss
I was a naughty little girl, and my parents tell me that I have been smooching on the boys since I could toddle myself over to them... yup. The first one I remember was Corey, we were five, and it was while playing in his basement, hiding from the babysitter. There was much giggling, as I recall.
My first "real" kiss (aka "French" kiss) was in eighth grade, under a jungle gym at the park, and there was too much saliva going on.
*shudders*
Yup. So that's that!
:)
My first "real" kiss (aka "French" kiss) was in eighth grade, under a jungle gym at the park, and there was too much saliva going on.
*shudders*
Yup. So that's that!
:)
Sunday, 20 March, 2011
what dreams may come
Blargh.
So I fail at this blog challenge, that is clear enough. Friday's post was a cop-out, and then I missed yesterday's post, which was an additional "what I wore today" day, because I was visiting family all day... and it completely slipped my mind.
Today's topic is "my dreams". I'm not sure if it's meant to be about my goals/aspirations, or my nighttime forays into my own psyche, so I'm going to go with the latter.
Lately, my dreams have very clearly been centred around my anxiety. There have been elaborate labyrinths, puzzles, and nonsensical problems that need solving, and a cast of characters who are modelled mostly after my family. I have a tendency to try to analyze my dreams when I wake up and am still in the midst of that sleep fog, before the details disappear... I'm sure this only adds to my neurosis, but it is what it is.
We watched inception recently, and it reminded me of how often I experience lucid dreams. Very frequently, I will me in the middle of a completely crazy dream, and I will become aware that I am dreaming and will feel like I need to influence the dream or direct it a certain way in order to try to figure out what it is my subconscious is trying to tell me.
See how I over-analyze things, even when I'm not awake?
The topic of dreams, and why we dream, has always been very interesting to me. I enjoy reading about the research of sleep and the studies done on the sleeping brain. I find it so interesting to watch documentaries on the subject, or segments of NOVA that talk about sleep research. I like that we haven't really figured out why we need sleep yet, or how exactly dreams come about. I sometimes which I had tried a little harder in high school to focus on my maths and sciences, and become a neurologist or psychologist.
Years ago, I used to keep a notebook by my bed so that I could write bits of my dreams down before I forgot them, thereby being able to look up symbols and meanings in a dream dictionary and try to interpret things, but I have since given up this behaviour. Mostly because I feel like it is a silly, fruitless practice that only leads me to dwell on things that are best left as they are.
I am not a very good sleeper. It is difficult for me to fall asleep, and when I am woken up suddenly, either by a nightmare or a noise in the night, it is really hard for me to fall back asleep. There is always this track running in my mind of things that need doing, and things that I want to think about... and when the plot of a crazy dream is added to that, I can sometimes fixate on whatever it was about. I've noticed that since I've been on the Effexor, the dreams have been a little kookier than they used to be. Maybe it's a side-effect, or maybe it's just my brain trying to work things out and heal itself.
Who really knows?
So I fail at this blog challenge, that is clear enough. Friday's post was a cop-out, and then I missed yesterday's post, which was an additional "what I wore today" day, because I was visiting family all day... and it completely slipped my mind.
Today's topic is "my dreams". I'm not sure if it's meant to be about my goals/aspirations, or my nighttime forays into my own psyche, so I'm going to go with the latter.
Lately, my dreams have very clearly been centred around my anxiety. There have been elaborate labyrinths, puzzles, and nonsensical problems that need solving, and a cast of characters who are modelled mostly after my family. I have a tendency to try to analyze my dreams when I wake up and am still in the midst of that sleep fog, before the details disappear... I'm sure this only adds to my neurosis, but it is what it is.
We watched inception recently, and it reminded me of how often I experience lucid dreams. Very frequently, I will me in the middle of a completely crazy dream, and I will become aware that I am dreaming and will feel like I need to influence the dream or direct it a certain way in order to try to figure out what it is my subconscious is trying to tell me.
See how I over-analyze things, even when I'm not awake?
The topic of dreams, and why we dream, has always been very interesting to me. I enjoy reading about the research of sleep and the studies done on the sleeping brain. I find it so interesting to watch documentaries on the subject, or segments of NOVA that talk about sleep research. I like that we haven't really figured out why we need sleep yet, or how exactly dreams come about. I sometimes which I had tried a little harder in high school to focus on my maths and sciences, and become a neurologist or psychologist.
Years ago, I used to keep a notebook by my bed so that I could write bits of my dreams down before I forgot them, thereby being able to look up symbols and meanings in a dream dictionary and try to interpret things, but I have since given up this behaviour. Mostly because I feel like it is a silly, fruitless practice that only leads me to dwell on things that are best left as they are.
I am not a very good sleeper. It is difficult for me to fall asleep, and when I am woken up suddenly, either by a nightmare or a noise in the night, it is really hard for me to fall back asleep. There is always this track running in my mind of things that need doing, and things that I want to think about... and when the plot of a crazy dream is added to that, I can sometimes fixate on whatever it was about. I've noticed that since I've been on the Effexor, the dreams have been a little kookier than they used to be. Maybe it's a side-effect, or maybe it's just my brain trying to work things out and heal itself.
Who really knows?
Saturday, 19 March, 2011
this week...
... has kicked my ass. I just finished up ten days straight of working some very long and varied shifts, and I'm beat. I think it's time for me to go to bed now... I promise that tomorrow's post will be better!
Nighty night...
Nighty night...
Thursday, 17 March, 2011
what's in your bag?
Conveniently, this week's topic on IBC is the same as today's blog challenge topic. I just finished filming my video for tomorrow, and this is the resulting mess on my desk:
Yup. Clearly I am a hoarder, but on a very small scale that is limited to the confines of my handbag. Yikes!
(Edited to add the video below)
Yup. Clearly I am a hoarder, but on a very small scale that is limited to the confines of my handbag. Yikes!
(Edited to add the video below)
Wednesday, 16 March, 2011
my siblings
My family is a bit unorthodox and all over the place, and explaining my familial relationships can be a bit confusing... so hold on to your butts! ;)
My parents split when I was a few months old. My mom met the father of my younger half-brother and half-sister when I was about a year old. Though we grew up together, we were very different people in a series of very hard situations, and we had some rocky patches that drove us apart over the years. I used to leave for periods of time to go visit my dad, and there was some animosity over our different last names. I used to feel like the odd man out, because they look(ed) so much alike and shared more genetic similarities between them. I realize how silly this is, after all these years.
Despite our differences, there is this bond I share with them that I cannot explain. Maybe it comes from being scarred in the same way... or just the collection of memories that shaped us together.
The above photo is from Thanksgiving two or three years ago. The last occasion that we were all together for, I beleive.
My sister Andrea and I are really close now, and I consider her to be one of my very best friends. She is stunningly beautiful, and a wonderful mother to my nephew Matty and niece Olivia(with another on the way). She is my "baby" sister, and I am fiercely protective of her.
My brother Rick has grown up to be such a good dad to my niece Julia, and I really wish we could be closer. Both geography and the demands of day-to-day life keep that from becoming a reality.
When I was 22 I had a life-changing situation that you think only happens in movies. I found out that I had a half-sister who was just three years my junior, who had lived near my grandmother for much of her life, and we had no idea about each other.
As it turns out, when I was three, my father had been in a brief (rekindling of a previous) relationship with Jasmine's mother. They have known each other since high school, and have a long on-again-off-again history.
In 2005 (I think?) they got back together and after many revelations decided to have a DNA test done, which revealed that my father was also Jasmine's. The next year our father and Jazz's mother were married, and are still all shmoopy-goopy over each other to this day. Caren, my step-mother, also has three sons (Christopher, Joe, and Adam) from previous relationships, who are now my step-brothers.
It's quite interesting to me just how much Jazz looks like our dad, and how similar we are in personality, humour, and even hand-writing style, despite never knowing about one another when we were growing up. She is so sweet, and silly, and I love her to pieces. We've still got a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of lost time to make up for, but I love spending time with her and my newest little nephew Cameron.
<3
My parents split when I was a few months old. My mom met the father of my younger half-brother and half-sister when I was about a year old. Though we grew up together, we were very different people in a series of very hard situations, and we had some rocky patches that drove us apart over the years. I used to leave for periods of time to go visit my dad, and there was some animosity over our different last names. I used to feel like the odd man out, because they look(ed) so much alike and shared more genetic similarities between them. I realize how silly this is, after all these years.
Despite our differences, there is this bond I share with them that I cannot explain. Maybe it comes from being scarred in the same way... or just the collection of memories that shaped us together.
The above photo is from Thanksgiving two or three years ago. The last occasion that we were all together for, I beleive.
My sister Andrea and I are really close now, and I consider her to be one of my very best friends. She is stunningly beautiful, and a wonderful mother to my nephew Matty and niece Olivia(with another on the way). She is my "baby" sister, and I am fiercely protective of her.
My brother Rick has grown up to be such a good dad to my niece Julia, and I really wish we could be closer. Both geography and the demands of day-to-day life keep that from becoming a reality.
When I was 22 I had a life-changing situation that you think only happens in movies. I found out that I had a half-sister who was just three years my junior, who had lived near my grandmother for much of her life, and we had no idea about each other.
As it turns out, when I was three, my father had been in a brief (rekindling of a previous) relationship with Jasmine's mother. They have known each other since high school, and have a long on-again-off-again history.
In 2005 (I think?) they got back together and after many revelations decided to have a DNA test done, which revealed that my father was also Jasmine's. The next year our father and Jazz's mother were married, and are still all shmoopy-goopy over each other to this day. Caren, my step-mother, also has three sons (Christopher, Joe, and Adam) from previous relationships, who are now my step-brothers.
It's quite interesting to me just how much Jazz looks like our dad, and how similar we are in personality, humour, and even hand-writing style, despite never knowing about one another when we were growing up. She is so sweet, and silly, and I love her to pieces. We've still got a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of lost time to make up for, but I love spending time with her and my newest little nephew Cameron.
<3
Tuesday, 15 March, 2011
a fashionista, I am not...
Today I worked, so I didn't wear anything fun or especially exciting... Black pants, a blue/brown/white/cream/plaid button-up top with a ribbon that cinches it below the bust, over a blue tank top. Also, a brown headband and white sneakers.
This is riveting, no?
;)
This is riveting, no?
;)
Monday, 14 March, 2011
my (lack of) beliefs
Today's topic for the blog challenge is meant to be about religious/spiritual beliefs, I believe (ha! see what I did there? Such a dork, I know.), but I am atheist, and therefore have none.
I could write dozens of paragraphs detailing all the points of religion and spirituality in general with which I disagree, but I feel like too often that sort of thing comes across as a confrontational manifesto, and that's just not my style.
Therefore, I present to you the following three quotes, which I believe will give you a good idea of my mindset.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge."
- Bertrand Russell
“There is grandeur in this view of life … from so simple a beginning, endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.”
- Charles Darwin
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Stephen H. Roberts
I could write dozens of paragraphs detailing all the points of religion and spirituality in general with which I disagree, but I feel like too often that sort of thing comes across as a confrontational manifesto, and that's just not my style.
Therefore, I present to you the following three quotes, which I believe will give you a good idea of my mindset.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge."
- Bertrand Russell
“There is grandeur in this view of life … from so simple a beginning, endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.”
- Charles Darwin
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Stephen H. Roberts
Sunday, 13 March, 2011
a moment
My cousin Kenny and I in 1987, just out of the bath, finding something my grandmother said to be utterly hilarious.
Saturday, 12 March, 2011
Thursday, 10 March, 2011
(more than a ) few words.
I'm supposed to blog about my day today, but I'm kind of at a loss for words.
It's not that my day was awful, it was terribly average if anything... but my mood is sour, and my words are few.
I puttered around the house this morning, putting things in order, attending to errands that needed doing, then I headed off to work. It was steady, but not too busy, and I was able to close up shop pretty quickly.
I just can't shake this mood. I'm going to go ahead and blame my hormones. After three cycles on Clomid, I'm all out of whack and nothing seems to be going normally with my body this month. That has to be it.
After work I played with the dog a while before heading up to the office to check my emails before bed. I decided to have a look at my RSS feed reader. One of the woman I read is having twins. The jealousy hit me like a kick to the chest.
The mix of frustration, envy, anger and self-pity that I'm feeling sickens me. I don't want to be that woman who can't be happy for others who are more fortunate. The self-centeredness of my feelings is gross.
I don't know how to deal with this, but I know that I need to. I can't live my life this way... it is neither productive, nor healthy.
Huh. I guess I did have a few words after all.
It's not that my day was awful, it was terribly average if anything... but my mood is sour, and my words are few.
I puttered around the house this morning, putting things in order, attending to errands that needed doing, then I headed off to work. It was steady, but not too busy, and I was able to close up shop pretty quickly.
I just can't shake this mood. I'm going to go ahead and blame my hormones. After three cycles on Clomid, I'm all out of whack and nothing seems to be going normally with my body this month. That has to be it.
After work I played with the dog a while before heading up to the office to check my emails before bed. I decided to have a look at my RSS feed reader. One of the woman I read is having twins. The jealousy hit me like a kick to the chest.
The mix of frustration, envy, anger and self-pity that I'm feeling sickens me. I don't want to be that woman who can't be happy for others who are more fortunate. The self-centeredness of my feelings is gross.
I don't know how to deal with this, but I know that I need to. I can't live my life this way... it is neither productive, nor healthy.
Huh. I guess I did have a few words after all.
Wednesday, 9 March, 2011
fresh and delicious
Now *this* is what I should have eaten for dinner yesterday, to make the food topic day of this blogging challenge more interesting!
Seeing as there are no rules that say I cannot post additional content outside the daily parameters, I'm going to go right ahead and tell you about it... it was too yummy and pretty not to share!
The recipe was from the April issue of Chatelaine, which arrived on Monday, and was full of colourful, fresh, spring-inspired recipes. Their food photography is always drool-worthy, but this recipe in particular stood out to me, and I needed to try it right away.
The recipe called for Boston lettuce and arugula, but I'm not a huge fan of arugula, so I substituted baby spinach instead. The rest of the yummy salad ingredients include sliced avocado, blanched snow peas, and bits of ruby red grapefruit, all topped with a seared fillet of simply-seasoned salmon, and a dill-grapefruit-garlic-dijon dressing.
SO GOOD!
My dutiful assistant Steve kept watch to ensure that any bits which fell to the floor were taken care of in a quick fashion.
I am entirely ready for winter to end and spring to begin so that I can start planting my veggie garden and be able to have many more salads like this to look forward to.
Definitely something I will make again. Yum!
Seeing as there are no rules that say I cannot post additional content outside the daily parameters, I'm going to go right ahead and tell you about it... it was too yummy and pretty not to share!
The recipe was from the April issue of Chatelaine, which arrived on Monday, and was full of colourful, fresh, spring-inspired recipes. Their food photography is always drool-worthy, but this recipe in particular stood out to me, and I needed to try it right away.
The recipe called for Boston lettuce and arugula, but I'm not a huge fan of arugula, so I substituted baby spinach instead. The rest of the yummy salad ingredients include sliced avocado, blanched snow peas, and bits of ruby red grapefruit, all topped with a seared fillet of simply-seasoned salmon, and a dill-grapefruit-garlic-dijon dressing.
SO GOOD!
My dutiful assistant Steve kept watch to ensure that any bits which fell to the floor were taken care of in a quick fashion.
I am entirely ready for winter to end and spring to begin so that I can start planting my veggie garden and be able to have many more salads like this to look forward to.
Definitely something I will make again. Yum!
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