Thursday, November 13, 2008

too young... too late.

Two days ago, a woman who was one of my very best friends when I was a child passed away. She would have been 25 years old next month.

We met in grade four, when I was the new kid in town, and she was another awkward nine-year-old. We gravitated toward one another, as the fringe members of our clique... not quite cool enough to stand out, but close enough friends with this pair of gorgeous twin sisters who were the queens of our little group, that we managed to survive high school with the tiniest bit of social relevance in our little teen-aged world.

She was funny, and bold, and had this mix of confidence and self-consciousness that made her wonderful and charming. She had a giant smile, and these lovely, deep brown eyes with gorgeous long lashes. She never hesitated to stand up for her friends, and was the first one to jump in head-first... but she never seemed to stand up for herself, often cracking self-deprecating jokes about how she would never escape our crappy little town... about how she would never shine as bright as the rest of us...

But I beleive that she could have out-shone us all, if she'd had a few more opportunities... or a different set of circumstances in her life... or maybe just a little push in the right direction...

But I'll never get to tell her that... not now... and I never seized my chance.

I found out months ago about her cancer... cervical cancer... when my mom would call, she'd try to tell me about how it was spreading, about how the outlook wasn't good... about how I should give her a call... but I avoided it.

We weren't friends anymore, and I didn't know what I was suppose to call her and say...

A year after high school, just near the end of my first year at college, I had a falling out with one of the gorgeous twin queens... it was the culmination of months of issues and arguments, and I had decided that I'd had enough. I packed all my belongings and ran away to start my life over.

I completely cut my ties with our entire group of friends... what had been our high school clique, but was much older, and deeper... I decided to forgo another messy fight, and escape what had been an endless cycle of the same old arguments...

I moved away, and started from scratch... I did a lot of thinking, and dreaming, and got myself to a place where I was really comfortable in my own skin, and for once I wasn't a part of our little group... I wasn't a girl on the fringe... I realized that I didn't really like who I was before, and that I don't think I was really as happy as I was always trying to be... not until I made it on my own... not until I wasn't standing in anyone's shadow any longer...

I made new friends, and had a new job, a new home... I met the boy... things were good.

I didn't want to go back... I couldn't bring myself to break through the wall that I had built between my old life and my new world... a wall that had taken seven years to build.

In short - I was selfish.

I was afraid of how I would be opening myself up to that whole bag of things that I had run away from... that I would be forced to deal with everything and everyone... that there would be all this anger still... or worse, fake sweetness...

There were times when I almost picked up the phone and called... but I stopped myself... I was afraid that even if I did get the courage to make that call, that she would be insulted... that she would be too proud, and be insulted that I had only seen fit to call her because she was sick... that she would think that I was only calling out of pity...

And so I chose to remain detached... part of me was in disbelief that she would actually succumb to her disease... she was only 24! So young... and in my mind's eye, still a strong and vibrant girl, with mousy brown hair and a sparkle in her eye... calling out to ride shotgun... or sitting beside me in the backseat, smoke in hand, laughing and grinning, as we rode around aimlessly on a summer night...

And now I am overcome with regret... with horrible guilt and remorse... how could I let her leave this world without a word about how much I had loved her?

I have this pain in the pit of my stomach, and this lump in my throat and my head is swimming, and I am completely awash with anger at myself for being such a coward.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Step One! (one... one... one)

Behold! A sea of fangirls:


This is my friend T... say "Hi T!"


She's brings the awesome wherever she goes... even if where she goes is to a New Kids On The Block Concert at the ACC... with me... for my birthday... because, apparently, it is 1989... or something like that...

It was actually a lot of fun... we know how I love the cheese... and they certainly did not disappoint in that department! Lots of silliness, and wind machines, and terrible choreography... We both enjoyed the evening... even if the screaming was a tad on the loud side...

Friday, September 19, 2008

best photo EVAR!


The lovely Miss Julia, and the intrepid Mr. Matty, hamming it up for Auntie Christine... couldn't you just pinch them?

Friday, August 29, 2008

A New Niece!

I have a new niece... and she is perfect, and tiny, and beautiful!

Her name is Alina, and she was born yesterday to my sister-in-law Rhodora, and her husband Jamal.

Of particular note: she has the most kissable little forehead... and nose... and fingers... and I could just eat her little toes.

Behold:

Saturday, August 2, 2008

what I want right now...

… is to be in a booth in a coffee shop somewhere, sipping on a ridiculously expensive coffee with lots of foam, just chatting with T, or T, or A, or any of my close ladies… commiserating about everything going on in our lives right now… having a sounding board for all the garbage floating around in my head… just feeling normal, and in control, and a part of something unconditional.

Monday, July 28, 2008

close your eyes and jump

The boy and I have been talking at great lengths recently about really investing in our "side business" ideas... we are trying to make plans for the future (oh how grown up of us!) and to do the things we want to do we need to pay down some debt (okay, a lot of debt... but it's mostly student debt... so it's not a completely bad thing)... and to pay down that debt, we need to find a way to bring in a little bit of extra money each month...

I have been doing portraits on commission for a long time now, though I've never really done it in any sort of consistent way... mostly just around the holidays, for family and co-workers and such... and I used to spend a lot of time in the summer when I would visit my dad as a kid/teen painting flower pots, signs, and other crafty little things for people... I used to pull in quite a bit of cash for that back in the day...

I've even branched out and done some pretty random stuff recently (like doing a casting of my sister-in-law's very pregnant belly yesterday... which I am going to paint and mount as a decoration for my niece-on-the-way's nursery)

All of that was really more of a hobby than anything else, but the boy (along with many others) have convinced me that there is a real market out there for such things, so I think I'm going to do it... for reals.

We had been discussing it for a while, and looking at the logistics of everything (website, time to draw/paint/etc, business cards, advertising) and I have been wanting to try to do something on my own, because I really would like to be my own boss someday, and I think that maybe... if I really try, and push myself to follow through... I can do this.

So I bought a domain name! hehe...

It is the first step toward building my own business... and hopefully a big step toward building a financially sound future with the boy.

I was daydreaming in the shower this morning about the possibilities... I would love to be able to make my art be my full time job... and hopefully we will be able to start our family soon... and then I will be able to stay home and take care of our family, and still be stable where money is concerned.

I think it would be fantastic to have a business card that read "freelance artist / domestic goddess"! LOL

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I still believe in your eyes...

Six years, as of today, and going strong.

Sometimes you look at me in that certain way, and I still get butterflies.

I'm betting that's a really good thing.

:)

xoxo

Sunday, June 29, 2008

bespectacled


I purchased some new glasses today... I think they're lovely... the rest of my face... not so much... so I did a little creative cropping...

meh.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Does growing older always = growing apart?

Some things get better with time… others, not so much. For the most part, I don’t feel as though I have changed much, because it has been a slow progression… an evolution, or a regression, depending on the perspective I suppose… sometimes I feel so far apart from most everyone I love… so very different from them…

My head is not in the same space that it once was… at times I feel so certain that I know who I am, and what I want, and where I am going… but sometimes……

There are people in my life who I aspire to be like… the absolute picture of strength, and fun, and courage… living their lives each moment the way they want, without apology or excuse… and it terrifies me that I feel these people slipping away from me…

It’s so hard to find the time… to fit each other in amongst the working, the living, and the “prior obligations”… to put in the time required to maintain a relationship with another human being… and it is all the more difficult when your lives are heading in completely different directions, full speed ahead… when the activities you enjoy, your idea of downtime and recreation, are no longer the same… when the priorities have shifted… neither perspective or lifestyle is superior to the other… just very, very different…

I sometimes feel pushed away, kept at a distance… less important… unwelcome…but it is I who has isolated me… run off on a tangent that got away from itself…

I need to work harder to maintain connections… I need to resolve to be a better friend… I need to step outside my comfort zone, and find the time to make time…

It’s odd… 6 years after deciding to take control of my life, after having taken that giant leap and starting things over… deciding to put myself first, to work on me as a person, instead of me as part of a group… I am so afraid of being a single unit.

...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

presenting... luau pug!


Tonight we are having friends over for our annual barbecue. This year I thought that a theme was in order, as I was in the mood for cheesy fun, and so we decided on a luau. The menu is not particularly Hawaiian, but I did purchase copious amounts of alcohol, which I intend to blend into fruity, island-worthy drinks... so there's that...

Poor Trevor... his owners are nuts, and decided that he needed to coordinate with the theme as well. Tee hee.

I really enjoy this barbecue... it's an excuse for me to spend days cooking all sorts of food that I wouldn't normally make since it's just the two of us... and it gives me an excuse to be extra fancy with the garnishes and extra touches... I'm sure that's lame, but I enjoy it...

Also, there is that part about the copious amounts of alcohol...

Cheers!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

How do you know when you get there?

Growing up, I always thought I had a clear picture of what I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do, and where I would do it “when I grew up”… Although the vocation changed frequently, as it is wont to do when you are a kid, I was sure of the other things… I wanted out of that town, and I was going to work my ass off to make it so…

I wanted to go to college… to surround myself with other creative people… to draw… to paint… to graduate, and stand up tall, feeling accomplished and happy… I wanted a career… a busy life… I wanted to find other people out there in the world who were just like me… I wanted to fall in love… to get married and start a family (in that order… I was not going to perpetuate the cycle!)…

So here I am, with all but one of those items checked off the list… and that will happen when it happens… it is what it is… and has nothing to do with where I’m going here…

The thing is, I have accomplished all of my childhood goals… I have an amazing life… I have the most loving, caring, perfect-for-me husband… I have a home… I have a job that pays me well enough to do very little… I live a pretty comfortable life in a cute town, with the boy, our cats, and our crazy little pug… things are good… I am happy.

But at the same time, I keep thinking that this is not where I imagined I would be when I have not yet seen my twenty-fifth birthday. It’s as if I have fast-forwarded past a whole bunch of things that I didn’t really know I wanted to do until I passed them by…

I mean, I had an idea that I wanted them, but I saw them as a vehicle to get to final destination of happily-ever-after… I used to daydream about having a very specific lifestyle… I imagined myself an artist, living downtown(ish)… I imagined a studio loft apartment, full of light and my silly Ikea furniture… I imagined myself hoping on and off the subway… running to catch streetcars to go to my job at an agency, or to go to Kensington Market… I imagined summer nights spent on a roof-top patio… drinks with friends… live music… parties… the city noise… the people… the whole city surrounding me and enveloping me in its busy, noisy, urban-goodness…

I imagined a bustling social life that would eventually lead me to my husband… which would eventually lead me down the path that I am on now… just a few years later…

It’s funny… I think I just pretty much described my friend T’s life right there! LOL! She’s such a cool girl… She always seems so in control of herself, and sure of where she is headed… perhaps I can just live vicariously through her? ;)

Maybe it sounds like I’m whining… but I’m not… It’s not that I feel like I missed out on something… that’s not it… I can’t put my finger on what it is that I am trying to express exactly… I don’t feel that I have somehow missed things, because, given the choice, I would not exchange that lifestyle for the one I have now… I like my life… it’s that I thought that once I got to where I am now there would be some sort of a feeling of accomplishment… of having arrived… but in reality, it’s a strange mix of emotions… there is this over-whelming sense of responsibility, but it’s all so anti-climactic…

And sometimes I still feel like that awkward girl… just trying to fit in… trying to find where it is that I fit in the world… I feel like I should feel relief, and like I belong… and like I’m “THERE”… but I don’t.

I bet it sounds really selfish of me, to have so much, and still feel like there is something missing… only I could have so much happiness, and still somehow feel incomplete… I just feel as if I still have to prove myself… to show them all… to achieve something great… and I wonder if I would still feel the way I do if I had chosen the other path…

It’s pointless really… as is this post… and it likely won’t make sense to anyone but me, but it has been rolling around in my head for so long, that I just needed to attempt to put the words out in front of myself and try to make sense of it.

I am a work in progress… and I need to learn to be happy with that.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Insomnia... a series of poorly constructed run-on sentences

The sleep... it is evading me again... there is no logical reason that I can't relax and drift off... I just can't seem to get my body and mind to cooperate and work together toward resting...

I'm either physically exhausted, with my mind running through a crowd of thoughts, circling and examining little fragments, listing things to be done, or done differently next time, never settling on a single item, or better yet, the blank space between, to allow my mind to shut down and simply dream...

Or worse, my mind is dull and groggy, but physically I'm wired... full of pent up energy... trying to resist poking this boy over and over as he snores happily in the bed next to me... annoy him and will him awake, so that at least I won't be the only restless body wandering the house alone in the wee hours...

Monday, April 28, 2008

adventures in moving

I finally started packing! Yay! I decided that all of my basement junk should not be transported to the new house, since if I have not looked at it in two years it cannot be that important. So I spent the day sorting and tossing, and it was actually more fun than anticipated.

I opened every box and purged much of the clutter. Apparently, at one time I had thought it pertinent to keep all my notes and projects from every class ever taken… I decided that I will keep the major projects… anything with exemplary marks, or a colourful illustration, or bound and official looking, and get rid of the rest. I was careful to remove all the little scraps of paper between the pages and piled in the back of binders though… colourful notes scribbled and passed back and forth in marketing lectures and computer labs… that was the most fun… it was interesting to relive the conversations, and the nonsense, and the inside jokes.

There were dark things too… a sketch I drew in grade 11, the page splattered with little drops from the time I slit my wrist, in an incredibly stupid attempt to get my mother’s attention. I kept that, as a reminder, of just how much the mind matures and grows in a few short years, and how things are never as bad as they feel when you’re in the moment.

Perspective is a beautiful thing.

All kinds of papers… hand-written receipts from when we split the rent three-ways, and then two, back in Oshawa… a report card from my incomplete first attempt at post-secondary education… passive-aggressive notes on post-its and the backs of flyers and bills, kept as proof of a bitchy roommate… high school yearbook photos and random snapshots with loopy inscriptions on the back… I’s dotted with hearts and smiley faces, and proclamations of ever-lasting friendships that fizzled out years ago.

I kept the photos and threw away everything else.

There were strange things too… a white shoebox containing, among other things, a dried and pressed poplar leaf, a plastic lei, a tiny pewter teddy bear, a sketch of my own feet, and some movie stubs. Apparently these were very important to a teenaged-me. I kept this box and its contents intact… I like the idea of my hypothetical future children going through these things when I’ve become a crazy old woman, and remarking on what an interesting person I must have been when I was young.

Most things made me smile… and remember… and some things made me cry… copies of bills that I had no business paying at such a young age… an attempt at some sort of ledger, tracking my earnings at Tim Hortons in grade 9, and my attempts to save up for some back-to-school clothes that weren’t thrift-store bought… angsty poems written in purple gel pen… pictures of mom’s exes, removed from the photo albums so as not to piss off the new boyfriend… all little mementos of my complicated little life.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Want to see some even older random crap I've posted on the interwebs?

To view my old(er) livejournal (archives?) you can go here:

http://chrissielicious.livejournal.com/

(warning, it can be a little manic, with a heavy side of cheese...)