Monday, December 24, 2012

three months

The time is flying by.  I need to find a way to slow everything down, to savour it and really appreciate how precious each of these moments are.  If someone out there figures this out, please let me in on the secret?

She's been home for just over two months now, but it feels as if she's been here all along. We just fit, the three of us, perfectly.




I have nicknamed her "Turtle" due to the goofy way she looked up at me, all wide-eyes and wrinkly-necked, when she was learning to move her head around on her own.  I loved cuddling her on my chest, nestled beneath my chin, and the way she would lean back and pear up at me, blinking, and smiling... my heart could barely stand it! 

So she's my Turtle, or Turtle Dovlet, or Little Missy Peanut Sauce, Emmi, EmmaLaLa, Lovey, Bean, Beansie... and so on. The poor kid is going to be so confused about her name with me as her Momma!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

complete and utter joy!

Tonight we met Emma. Tomorrow is my last day at work. This weekend we must acquire all the necessities for sustaining this tiny little life.


It's difficult to grasp just how much I love her already! It's amazing!

On Monday I will become a mother.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Blerfpftrsshdnejfkdpfss...

We are meeting with a set of birth parents this afternoon, as soon as I can get off work.

I am beside myself. I am thrilled. I am terrified.

I feel like this is the most important "first date" of my entire life, and I can't properly articulate all the thoughts and emotions that are coursing through me.

I want this so badly. I am so afraid that I'm going to screw this up somehow.

My stomach is doing summersaults, and my head is swimming.

My heart is aching.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

not yet

Looking around the house for things to get rid of in the yard sale tomorrow. I thought about clearing this section of my bookshelf.  I almost pulled the books out, my hand was reaching for them, but my heart sped up just a bit... and I hesitated.

I don't think I'm ready yet. Not quite ready to let that dream go just yet, I guess...

Soon.  I hope.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Yearning.

There is a deep, pervasive ache. A scream being stifled, just below the surface.

Wheels are spinning in place.

Time is wasting.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

tick tock, tick tock.

Another beautiful photo of a healthy infant, carefully swaddled, sleeping peacefully. Another shot of one of my friends, grinning widely, hands placed on their swollen abdomens just so, accentuating the beauty of their impending motherhood.

I am genuinely, lovingly happy for them. I am so pleased by their wonderful news! And yet...

 And yet.

 My heart aches with loss and stings from jealousy. I do my best to contain those feelings as I wish them all well, because indeed I do. My grief does not colour my happiness for them, it only serves to remind me of the losses we've had and the experiences that we won't get.

 I keep getting to a place where I think I am at peace with our infertility, but there are days when I've just had enough of being happy for others and I need a little time to feel sorry for myself. I need to cry, or write, or paint... whatever it takes to get the pain out of my heart, and out of my mind, and stop it from tearing me down.

I need to refocus. Be productive. Move forward.

I need to beleive that this gets easier with time.