Grace in Small Things: Part 31 of 365

1. having completed an entire month of taking notice of the little positive things in my daily life
2. having a month's worth of lists to look back on when I need a little reminder of all the beautiful things in my life
3. sleeping in... waaaaay in
4. three shiny new books that the boy brought home for me as a surprise gift
5. the smell of campfire
   
   (seems like someone in my neighbourhood is having a fire in their yard... or I suppose it might be indoors, in a fireplace as well... in any case, it smells lovely, and is making me want to roast marshmallows, and sit with my loved ones in a circle telling stories)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

On working for myself...

"It's a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." - W. Somerset Maugham

I am very fond of the quote above... I plan to make it my reality. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

There are a few obstacles that I need to over come first, the least of all being our financial situation, and being able to secure some sort of a start up loan or coming up with another plan to get my initial working capital.

The biggest obstacle, of course, is my own fear. Hate it though I do, my little cubicle is a pretty safe place to be. The company might be affected by the recession, but I am really good at my job, and have confidence that my job is secure. I don't make a great deal of money, but it is consistent, and I have a great health plan, and RRSP's, and paid vacation, and all those lovely things that come from gainful employment.

The only problem is that when I get up in the morning, I instantly have this dreadful feeling in my stomach. If I think about the day ahead of me, of the conflicts I'm going to have to deal with, the certain individual who has taken it upon herself to make my day as difficult as possible, and the monotony of my daily tasks as a dutiful worker bee, the pressure in my chest grows and grows... sometimes I feel like I might be crushed under the weight of the anxiety I feel when I think about my job, and the dead-end road that I am currently on.

I am in a constant state of conflict with myself, because although I am so unhappy, I know that I should be thankful to even have a job at all. I get a paycheque every other week, and for that I am so grateful... the problem is that I don't get much else... at least not anything else positive.

When I think about working for myself, I get excited. I feel hopeful and energized. I feel as though I can accomplish anything. I know... I sound like an after school special on believing in yourself... you can do it champ! *wink*

I feel bad complaining about my situation at work, because it's not *that* bad, and I feel like I should just suck it up and be grateful for what I've got... but I want something more.

Do I have it in me to take that leap?

Grace in Small Things: Part 30 of 365

1. a very ticklish baby neice
2. baby belly laughs
3. her tiny fingers grabbing my nose, or mouth, or cheek
4. sunshine after a few days of dreary, rainy weather
5. knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow... yay for long weekends!
   (my company decided to have us work yesterday, on Canada day, and instead moved the holiday day off to Friday)

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

yowch!

Apparently, walking across a sidewalk and onto a lawn is too complicated for me.

Grace in Small Things: Part 29 of 365

1. rub-on maple leaf tattoos
   
2. barbecued food as a proclamation of patriotism
3. the look on a child's face when playing with a sparkler
   
4. managing not to seriously injure myself, despite accidentally stepping in a hole and falling on my face... on the sidewalk... in front of an intersection full on onlookers
5. being able to laugh at myself
   

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 28 of 365

1. yummy vegetable tempura
2. a good, rational debate over a really polarizing topic
3. a good nap
4. homemade guacamole
5. how excited the boy gets when I make my homemade guacamole

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

chartreuse

I want to write... I want to write good things... strong things... inspiring things.

I have a list.

I keep it in a chartreuse coloured moleskin on my desk. The pages are lined with rows upon rows of titles... fragments of ideas... quotes and lines from songs that I find poignant, and hope will inspire me to come up with brilliant words of my own.

But I don't.

I won't say that I can't... because I know that I can. I am capable.

I don't because I am afraid... I am afraid that someone will notice, and that they will read my words and disapprove. I am afraid that "they" will think that I am some sort of phony, wannabe writer... that my words are not worthy of others eyes.

I have so many things that I would like to write about... thoughts and experiences that I would like to share... because I know that so many people are going through life much the same as I am... and there can comfort in sharing these experiences... but I am afraid.

And I am envious.

I envy those women... those bloggers... who can express themselves with such clarity... such beautiful words... who can open their experiences and thoughts up to the scrutiny of the anonymous interwebs... their words are beautiful... and inspiring...

And I pale in comparison.

...

Wow... how's that for a pity party?

Grace in Small Things: Part 27 of 365

1. appreciating the beauty in even a particularly menacing looking thunder cloud
   
2. seeing compassion in the face of my doctor
3. the boy holding my hand for most of the ride home in the car
4. the dozens of songbirds in the trees around our house calling out, like my own private symphony
5. a rainbow after a dreary day

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 26 of 365

1. the sound of rain falling softly
2. wearing pajamas all day
3. chocolate chip cookies
4. watching videos of stand up comics on YouTube
5. hearing the boy chuckle at the videos I'm watching
   

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 25 of 365

1. sassy polka dots
2. buttery movie popcorn
3. being highly entertained for two hours and twenty minutes
4. a long line of Canadian geese marching like a little black and grey and white parade
   
5. all the cars stopping to let the goose parade waddle across the road

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 24 of 365

1. taking a drive with the windows down on a warm night
2. the sweet smell of blooming flowers in the summer air
   
3. the feel of cool wind on my skin
4. doing that rolling wave thing with my hand in the air streaming past the car
5. the boy singing along to the radio

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

intense pug

this face says that he is aware of the meat, and meat-related goods that are on the grill, and he will not hesitate to snap them up, should one happen to fall...

Grace in Small Things: Part 23 of 365

1. a quick storm that cut the humidity and heat
2. adorable matryoshka doll patterned fabric
3. rolling with the punches
4. sitting on my sofa after a very long day
5. 4 cats and a pug who are all happy to see me, and greeted me warmly

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 22 of 365

1. my first request for a custom listing on my Etsy store
2. a question from Autralia, via the contact form on my website
3. my pepper plants are blooming
4. so are my zucchini!
5. Dusty (our ornery old Persian kitty) sporting his spiffy new lion cut, finally being comfortable in the warm weather

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

haunted

Sometimes I see her face on the driver of a car stopped across the intersection, or the woman pushing her cart through the grocery store parking lot, or someone waiting for a bus... in people's avatars... on models in magazines... as I'm flicking through the channels...

And then I do a double take... I look again... I flip back a channel... and it's not her... it couldn't possibly be her, of course, but someone who looks shockingly similar, or not at all... just a reminder of what a bad friend I was... of how I didn't try harder... how how I was afraid... of how I pushed her out of my mind... until it was too late.

Obviously my mind is trying to push my unresolved guilt issues to the surface and make me deal with my feelings about her death... or how I avoided her death... how I saw it coming... or that I was at least aware of the possibility of it happening, rather... and how I was too afraid to admit that I needed to try to contact her, and make peace... let her know that she was loved, at one time, and had been a big part of my life...

But I was selfish. I didn't try... I avoided it... I heard about her decline, and how she had given up fighting her horrible disease... and I didn't do anything. I froze... and I avoided... and I wallowed... and I thought about what would I say too late.

And now I am haunted.

By myself... by my guilt... by my grief... by my selfishness and cowardice.

So now I sit here with the ghosts of my non-decisions, and I wonder... I wonder if it will fade over time... I wonder if I deserve to have it fade at all.

Grace in Small Things: Part 21 of 365

1. enjoying a spoonful of peanut butter

2. watching a hummingbird landing on the perch of the feeder, to rest as he drank, instead of flitting away in a blur

3. "Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

4. cute hair pins with ladybugs on them

5. an hour spent sketching random silliness

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

On why I need to purchase a kiddie pool.

I really, really, really want to buy one of those blue vinyl (?) pools with the inflatable rings at the top. The boy is very resistant to this idea.

However... I think if we have a few more nights at this temperature, I may just bring him over to my side. It is currently a quarter to eleven at night, and it is 28 degrees celcius... according to the weather network, it feels like 31 with the humidity. Fun!

Neither of us are very good in very warm weather... I would rather be a touch too cool, and able to put on a sweater to make myself comfortable, than be too warm and need to lay sprawled in the nude with a fan pointing at myself to feel relief from the heat...

Don't picture it... your brain does not deserve to be assaulted with that imagery... lol

Not that it's quite that warm just yet, but I'm sure it's coming. That's the thing about the Canadian climate, it's almost always too cold or too warm... there is about a week in April and three days in October that are fantastic, and the rest of the year is pretty much crap.

So... kiddie pool... great idea, yes?

I can by no means afford and actual grown-up size pool, and I'm whiny, and pouty, and wilty in warm weather, so I think it's just what we need...

When I briefly lived with my father about eight or so years ago, he had a small above-ground aluminum pool in the backyard... it was about ten feet across, and barely three feet deep, but on humid summer nights there was nothing better than slipping into the cool water and just floating slowly in circles... face up, admiring the stars... only hearing the swishing sounds of my arms in the water, and the gentle hum of the filter... letting the darkness settle in all around...

It was so peaceful, and relaxing... and cooling...

*sigh*

Grace in Small Things: Part 20 of 365

1. cheesy crab dip

2. baked pita wedges

3. slushy alcoholic beverages

4. random European hits on my artwork and keepsakes site (how did they happen upon my work?)

5. snapshots of the boy and I, framed and hung on the wall

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 19 of 365

1. the melodic lilt of Scottish accents

2. deep-fried pickles

3. re-potting my houseplants to give them more room

4. Epsom salts

5. a witty friend

I am participating in Grace in Small Things

Grace in Small Things: Part 18 of 365

1. getting an email from my father that I know it took him more than an hour to compose, in his hunt and peck style

2. drinking tea from my favourite mug

3. listening to an entire album without skipping a song

4. take-out Chinese food instead of cooking after an especially long day

5. local strawberries in season

I am participating in Grace in Small Things