Dreamscapes & Hesitations

time-lapsed video of "just breathe"

just breathe

I'll call you when I land.

Nadia

Venus - a watercolour nude

This artwork was done with Pentel watercolour paints and acid free, permanent, pigmented ink on 140 lb cold press watercolour paper. The paper size is 9x12".

I made a video!

can I fake it 'till I make it?

I have these pictures in my mind that I need to get out.

That's the way my drawings and paintings start. But I try to get them out too quickly I think... I draw furiously, rushing to empty the image from my mind before it slips away, before the idea is gone... and the end result ends up feeling flat.

I feel like I should take more time with my pictures. Nurture them. Build them slowly, bits at a time. Leave them for a while and then revisit them. I beleive that this approach would produce better art... that the paintings and drawings, and little doodles and bits would have more emotion in them... I think that they would have more feeling, and consequently they would draw more people to them... maybe then I would be a "successful artist".

Maybe then more people would buy my work.

But I can't create this way. I want to. I need to. But I can't. Instead I am compelled to rush into it when the mood strikes, and work away at a feverish pace, producing many pieces in a night, until I am completely spent... until all the pictures and ideas are drained from my mind... my fingertips are numb... my hand is aching... my heart is empty... I push myself until I have to sleep.

It seems manic, almost. It is a little crazy, but that's the only way I know how to produce my art. One would think that this would result in fun, fiery paintings with lots of movement and texture and feeling... but what it produces are paintings of birds, and drawings of goldfish... sketches of dainty ballerinas in fluttery tutus.

If I'm feeling especially "indie" I might come up with a tattooed woman, or a sassy pin-up... but that's about as badass as my artwork can get.

I want more.

I want to produce giant pieces with thick flashes of colour, and found pieces of pages from old texts... swirling abstracts and striking colour fields... dark portraits of lost lovers with haunting eyes. But when I try to paint like that... when I try to get those images down on canvas, or paper, or whatever surface I can... what comes out feels fake. It feels like I'm trying too hard to be something that I'm not. It doesn't feel... authentic.

I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know who I am as an artist.

Why did I think this was a good idea again?

I get frustrated with myself for thinking that I could possibly make it as a full-time artist... as a small business owner... as my own boss. I'm not good enough. I'm not talented enough. I'm not strong enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm only pretending to be an artist, and that someone is going to notice... that they'll point out how there are too many brush strokes in that particular painting... I must have struggled to get the right gradation in the shading... Then everyone will know I'm not a "real" artist. I'm just good at faking it.

Okay. Breathe.

I know... we are all our own worst critics. I know that I can do more. I am capable. I am better than this. Maybe I just need to write affirmations like that all over my office and repeat them to myself all day... that wouldn't make me seem any more crazy, right?

Haha. Yup. Manic.

I don't know where I'm going with this, or why I even started typing this out. I probably shouldn't even hit publish. I don't know what I'm doing here, right now, this minute. Beating myself up because my sales aren't where I hoped they'd be when I decided to take this risk and focus on my art. What is the point of this? This isn't productive, and this won't help me be a better artist... and it's certainly doing nothing good for my level of anxiety.

I wish I could just get over myself and get on with it.

hide & seek

shine

hummingbird in flight 1

"Lovely"

"Lady of the Circus"

"His Tiny Hand"

Meet "Carmen"

close your eyes and jump

The boy and I have been talking at great lengths recently about really investing in our "side business" ideas... we are trying to make plans for the future (oh how grown up of us!) and to do the things we want to do we need to pay down some debt (okay, a lot of debt... but it's mostly student debt... so it's not a completely bad thing)... and to pay down that debt, we need to find a way to bring in a little bit of extra money each month...

I have been doing portraits on commission for a long time now, though I've never really done it in any sort of consistent way... mostly just around the holidays, for family and co-workers and such... and I used to spend a lot of time in the summer when I would visit my dad as a kid/teen painting flower pots, signs, and other crafty little things for people... I used to pull in quite a bit of cash for that back in the day...

I've even branched out and done some pretty random stuff recently (like doing a casting of my sister-in-law's very pregnant belly yesterday... which I am going to paint and mount as a decoration for my niece-on-the-way's nursery)

All of that was really more of a hobby than anything else, but the boy (along with many others) have convinced me that there is a real market out there for such things, so I think I'm going to do it... for reals.

We had been discussing it for a while, and looking at the logistics of everything (website, time to draw/paint/etc, business cards, advertising) and I have been wanting to try to do something on my own, because I really would like to be my own boss someday, and I think that maybe... if I really try, and push myself to follow through... I can do this.

So I bought a domain name! hehe...

It is the first step toward building my own business... and hopefully a big step toward building a financially sound future with the boy.

I was daydreaming in the shower this morning about the possibilities... I would love to be able to make my art be my full time job... and hopefully we will be able to start our family soon... and then I will be able to stay home and take care of our family, and still be stable where money is concerned.

I think it would be fantastic to have a business card that read "freelance artist / domestic goddess"! LOL