my new space

Friday was my last day at the soul-sucking cube job. My last day of staring at that computer monitor and those beige walls and that evil old crone with the awful bleached hairdo.

I'm going to miss some things about my cube job, of course. I made friends in the three years I was there... it's hard to spend nine hours a day, five days a week with a group of people, and not get close to at least some of them. I will miss those people, and I will miss our daily conversations. I will miss that place for the social interaction, and of course the consistent paycheque... but I am happy to be out of that cube... out of that space, and into my home office full-time.

This is what I will be staring at for hours on end now instead. I have done my best to create a functional, comfortable space where I can be creative and productive. It is well ordered, and tidy.


Now if only I could get the space inside my head in as good a shape, I would be set.

It's funny how the giant leaps have been the easiest things this past year... surprisingly... but the baby steps, the slow and steady pace of treating my issues and managing my anxiety and depression, that's what's really kicking my ass...

I'm afraid that if I can't get out of my head and get on with things... if I can't figure out these baby steps, and get one foot in front of the other when it comes to my thoughts and emotions... then there is no way I can be successful with my big plans. I don't know how to focus on the big picture and getting down to the business of my new business, when I'm smack in the middle of one of what the boy and I refer to as my "sad for no reason" times.

I know what to do, and how to do it, but sometimes it's so hard to keep my mind on my goals when all I want to do is lay down in my room with the curtains closed and a blanket over my head. I'm afraid that I won't be motivated to succeed now that I'm not tied to an office schedule that determined my hours of productivity. I'm afraid of spending too much time inside my head. I'm afraid that the relief I feel from no longer being stressed out about my previous job is nothing in comparison to what I've got ahead of me.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right....

i did it

I handed in my resignation today. I'm going for it... I'm going to be my own boss.

I gave them almost four weeks' notice (should that be possessive? I feel like the word "weeks" should have an apostrophe, but it looks a little awkward. Anyway...) which is a little long for a sales support position, and much more than the obligatory two, but I am the resident trainer, and if I don't stick around long enough to train my replacement, I would feel really shitty about leaving someone else to do it.

So yeah... I'm all courteous and shit.

The boss asked me if there was anything he could say or offer to persuade me reconsider, but I explained my master plan to him, and he gets it... he appreciated my desire to pursue my art, and he might even be commissioning a painting or set of paintings for his soon-to-be-born daughter's nursery. He gave me a hug, and I instantly felt a little guilty about all the horrible things I had felt and said about my work and my work environment. He's a really nice man, and he genuinely wishes me well, and I am happy that he and many of my soon-to-be-former-coworkers are supportive of my business plan.

I'm really happy. And excited. And nervous.

I've got so much to do!

On working for myself...

"It's a funny thing about life: if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." - W. Somerset Maugham

I am very fond of the quote above... I plan to make it my reality. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

There are a few obstacles that I need to over come first, the least of all being our financial situation, and being able to secure some sort of a start up loan or coming up with another plan to get my initial working capital.

The biggest obstacle, of course, is my own fear. Hate it though I do, my little cubicle is a pretty safe place to be. The company might be affected by the recession, but I am really good at my job, and have confidence that my job is secure. I don't make a great deal of money, but it is consistent, and I have a great health plan, and RRSP's, and paid vacation, and all those lovely things that come from gainful employment.

The only problem is that when I get up in the morning, I instantly have this dreadful feeling in my stomach. If I think about the day ahead of me, of the conflicts I'm going to have to deal with, the certain individual who has taken it upon herself to make my day as difficult as possible, and the monotony of my daily tasks as a dutiful worker bee, the pressure in my chest grows and grows... sometimes I feel like I might be crushed under the weight of the anxiety I feel when I think about my job, and the dead-end road that I am currently on.

I am in a constant state of conflict with myself, because although I am so unhappy, I know that I should be thankful to even have a job at all. I get a paycheque every other week, and for that I am so grateful... the problem is that I don't get much else... at least not anything else positive.

When I think about working for myself, I get excited. I feel hopeful and energized. I feel as though I can accomplish anything. I know... I sound like an after school special on believing in yourself... you can do it champ! *wink*

I feel bad complaining about my situation at work, because it's not *that* bad, and I feel like I should just suck it up and be grateful for what I've got... but I want something more.

Do I have it in me to take that leap?

close your eyes and jump

The boy and I have been talking at great lengths recently about really investing in our "side business" ideas... we are trying to make plans for the future (oh how grown up of us!) and to do the things we want to do we need to pay down some debt (okay, a lot of debt... but it's mostly student debt... so it's not a completely bad thing)... and to pay down that debt, we need to find a way to bring in a little bit of extra money each month...

I have been doing portraits on commission for a long time now, though I've never really done it in any sort of consistent way... mostly just around the holidays, for family and co-workers and such... and I used to spend a lot of time in the summer when I would visit my dad as a kid/teen painting flower pots, signs, and other crafty little things for people... I used to pull in quite a bit of cash for that back in the day...

I've even branched out and done some pretty random stuff recently (like doing a casting of my sister-in-law's very pregnant belly yesterday... which I am going to paint and mount as a decoration for my niece-on-the-way's nursery)

All of that was really more of a hobby than anything else, but the boy (along with many others) have convinced me that there is a real market out there for such things, so I think I'm going to do it... for reals.

We had been discussing it for a while, and looking at the logistics of everything (website, time to draw/paint/etc, business cards, advertising) and I have been wanting to try to do something on my own, because I really would like to be my own boss someday, and I think that maybe... if I really try, and push myself to follow through... I can do this.

So I bought a domain name! hehe...

It is the first step toward building my own business... and hopefully a big step toward building a financially sound future with the boy.

I was daydreaming in the shower this morning about the possibilities... I would love to be able to make my art be my full time job... and hopefully we will be able to start our family soon... and then I will be able to stay home and take care of our family, and still be stable where money is concerned.

I think it would be fantastic to have a business card that read "freelance artist / domestic goddess"! LOL