Tuesday, August 10, 2010

making lists

Endless to-do lists are pouring out of me. I can't sleep. One leg hangs off the bed, bobbing and swaying... the motion comforts me, like a rocking chair and a mother's chest to a fussy infant. This analogy comforts me.

I try to focus on the motion. Focus on my breathing. Clear blue skies. A calm ocean. Anything to stop my racing mind. Can't avoid it any longer. I get up to pee, and instead of heading back to bed I walk down the hallway to my office. And so here I sit, scribbling lists.

I think that if I get it all out... get it all down on paper, then it will leave my mind. If I can actually see the tasks and reminders laid out in an orderly manner that I will be able to stop worrying about all of the to-dos and haven't-dones. I wish this were true.

I want it to stop. I do my best to think rationally and calmly but I can't stop it. It's coming no matter how many calm blue seas I imagine, or what number of breathes I count. The more I push it away, the more rational I attempt to be, the quicker my heart beats.

The panic. My heartbeat is erratic, isn't it? Did it just skip a beat? I'm breathing too fast! I must breathe more slowly. SLOWER! I'm not getting enough air. I have to breathe slower. SLOWER. Deeper. Please! Why won't my lungs cooperate? I'm going to hyperventilate if I keep this up. Why can't I stop? There it is again! My heart! Did it skip a beat, or was that one beat extra? What IS that flutter? Just breathe. Just. Breathe.

Oh god, this is going to kill me one of these days.

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